Chapter Six: Divorce Nuggets

By now it is obvious that this blog is dedicated to one aspect of our story and one only: Our friendships. The details of our divorces shall not appear on this blog. They are complex, emotional, and involve the loves of our lives: our children.

And as for our ex-husbands, even though we are no longer married to these men they are individuals who continue to deserve respect. Well, at least when it comes to a public forum. As for bitching and moaning about their shortcomings at the local Starbucks with the Divorce Land Girls, sign me up. Is an hour enough time? How about two? But here, no.

Instead, I want to deviate briefly and post some nuggets of truth that I either stubbed my toe on when I wasn't looking, (Ouch! What the? Who left this piece of divorce wisdom lying in the hallway?) or had thrust upon me be wise divorce veterans who held me down against my will and force fed me information I needed to savor. (Hey, not bad. Is that a hint of lemon? Can I have seconds?)

First Nugget:

"When your divorce becomes public, you will not receive support from the expected places. But you WILL receive support from the unexpected place."

At the time this advice was given to me, by a very dear friend who had gone through a divorce ten years prior, I didn't believe her at all. Thought she was more full of crap than a nursing infant. (We all know breast milk is explosive the second time around.)

As she shared, I smiled politely while resisting the urge to scream, "What F'ing Ever!" For at the precise moment she was bestowing her experiences with divorce, my best friend of six years had announced she needed to distance herself from me in order to "protect herself." As if my divorce was a contagious disease she could catch or a horrible traffic accident she needed to shield her family's eyes from. It was excruciatingly painful to lose her love and support. We were both devout Catholics and she simply could not accept my decision. I think I created a pile of Kleenex that rivaled Mt. Everest when she chose to abandon our friendship the same week my husband bought all new furniture and secured an apartment downtown.

Several months later, here I am and this blog is case in point that this nugget is TRUE. I never could have predicted the Divorce Land Girls in a million years. And yet, here we are. Calling each other every night, buying each other supportive books, being each others dates on the weekends. I have more love and support than I could ever have hoped for.

She was right. Even though I tossed her divorce wisdom aside at the time, I practically lost an eye when I tripped over it later in the form of the Divorce Land Girls.

Second Nugget:

"What people don't understand is that when the divorce decision is made, it is not as if there is any other healthy choice left to make. It is THE only choice left to make."

Now, this nugget is not true for everyone. There probably are shallow people out there who view marriage as disposable. Those of the pre-nuptial variety who have the paper shredder poised to rip apart the marriage certificate at the first sign of unhappiness. None of the Divorce Land Girls are cut from this cloth. Counseling has been sought, books have been read, and clergy have provided counsel. These marriages did not end without a fight to the death in some way, shape or form.

But the truth in this nugget is that marriage is about two people, and when you simply do not have two people putting in their fair share, no matter how badly one of you wants the marriage to succeed, it can't stand on two feet. It needs four.

And this is true no matter which side of a divorce you are on. That is the absolute truth and bottom line. It takes two. And you can not choose otherwise if you do not have that. There is simply no other choice when both parties are not "in."

This is hard for people on the outside to sometimes digest and accept. But guess what: not your problem. Your focus is your family, your children, and your life. You can't live your life for everyone else and divorce does not instantly make you shallow and selfish if it is the only responsible decision left to make when all other options have been exhausted. Noble people get divorced. Good people get divorced. Smart people get divorced. People who BELIEVE in marriage get divorced. Shockaroo.

Try that conflicting concept on for size. I first heard that one from a life coach who asserted, "People who pursue divorce actually believe in the true purpose of marriage almost more so than some of their married counterparts. After all, they chose to divorce because they refused to settle for something less. They believe marriage should be MORE. And so they sacrafice immensely in pursuit of that truth." The woman who made this mind boggling statement had actually been married to an alcoholic for twenty years. Divorced for five. And happily remarried for three. Call me crazy, but I am thinking she knows what she is talking about.

It took me a while to grapple with the reality of this particular nugget myself, even when I was in the midst of my own divorce. Had I done all I could? Was I making the right decision? Several "what if's" piled up in front of me and I felt obligated to carefully examine each and every one (as I should.) And when I had taken absolute and complete stock of my life and forged ahead with the divorce, it still took a while to swallow this truth whole, but when I did it wasn't as bitter as I thought it would be.

It was truth, and the truth is always sweet.