Chapter Eight: Tears and Snot Rags

As a Divorce Land Girl I have become fluent in snot speak, blubbering babble, and howling hysterics.

Here is an example of a recent voicemail I had to translate:

"Audra!" a recent message from one of the girls started out, "I just talked...." deep short breathing...."to".....incoherent blathering smothered with sobbing...."and he said".....forced gasps mixed with howling...."and I just can't believe"....incomprehensible words are blanketed with a minute long crying jag that rivals a colicky infant ...."call me! I can't believe this!"

I hang up the phone and think to myself, "I can't believe he really said that!" and call back immediately to offer comfort, support, and empathy.

Because yes, the larger language of divorce is not about legal terminology or visitation schedules. It is tearful truths, agonizing acknowledgments, and syllables sprinkled with sadness. It is a language of raw emotion and naked humanity, when the truth is public and the pain is no longer private. In other words: you will spend a small fortune on Puffs Kleenex with lotion.

When I was first entering into Divorce Land last summer, I ended up confiding in a work colleague at a conference who was in her second marriage about the pending demise of my own. The most prevalent piece of her experience that she shared with me was this, "I think back to the time of my divorce and I just remember all the bawling. At the grocery store. The gas station. Hell, if I didn't eat enough fiber that was bad because it provided too much contemplative time on the can and I would cry there too."

Yes, she really said that. And yes, I instantly thought of Elvis dying on the throne for some odd reason.

The point is that crying is a huge part of this process. It's a loss. And you can't escape.

So just buck it up and break out the snot rags if you find yourself residing in Divorce Land; for the only path home is flanked by a very salty sea.