Chapter Thirty Two; Dating after Divorce is for Dummies

When I was in college and pursuing my undergrad in English, i.e. sitting under a tree and analyzing poetry with a professor who I am fairly certain was high 90% of the time, ("And the elephant represents mankind's submission to his primal cravings. . . " Um, yeah. The poem is about Africa. It's just an elephant. Move on already Dr. Druggie.) I spent a lot of time learning about the concept of the universality of the human condition.

This is just a fancy way of saying people's emotional responses are fairly predictable in a variety of life situations.

Our make up is relatively similar in this regard; this is why every memorable song and poem is always, always, always about some stop along the love highway: found, lived, or lost.

This unoriginal human nature is what contributes to your internally exclaiming, "That is just how I feel!" when lyrics drift over the radio waves that literally seem like the artist could be singing your diary.

For example: you get dumped. It blows ass. If you write a song about it, all the other millions of dumpees are listening along and thinking to themselves, "Right on! This really blows ass!" And then they become your die hard adoring fans.

Because you get them.

Whatever. You're just someone who got your ass dumped and actually possesses enough talent to set it to music. Get over yourself.

Well, I will grant an exception to Janis Joplin’s “Piece of my Heart.” That song just kicks ass and we all know it. It’s an awesome one to blare while you throw your ex-lover’s belongings on a bon fire.

Not that I would know.

I digress.

Because of this emotional predictability (“The universality of the human condition"…oh come on, I had to write it one more time. It is not every day I get to sound so brunette), I decided to start reading up on typical behavioral patterns related to divorce to see where I fell.

Why? Well, I was just curious about how, quote unquote, normal I was in this regard.

Oh fine. I wanted to know the answer to one burning question:

Should I be dating?!?!?

Logically, I figured I would be awful at this dating thing. After all, I haven't done it since 1993. Usually a craft you chose to abandon long before Clinton even met Monica’s blue Gap dress is going to be rustier than a piece of iron left on the front lawn. For a hundred years. In Seattle.

The research I uncovered pretty much advised me to write off any and all events of a dating nature within the first year of divorce. Why? Because divorce is a pretty significant life event, often likened to death. If you divorce and then enter Dating Land before the four seasons have fully cycled it is pretty much like leaving your mother’s funeral where you just bawled your head off, blowing your nose, and then heading straight to the single’s bar.

Not only will you look like absolute hell (let's be honest) but even the most normal person will come off a tad bit on the psycho side considering the circumstances.

You are in NO state to ask someone their sign or take down a cell phone number, let alone be expected to act like an emotionally healthy person. You just buried your mother for crying out loud! Cut yourself some slack.

Thankfully, the anniversary of my marital "freedom" is just a few weeks away. And even though the projected return of my sanity, perspective, and emotional health one year post-separation is simply a guideline, I am thinking that the people who documented this “Dating after Divorce is for Dummies” phenomenon are on to something.

Because I keep a journal.

And there was a cookie dough eating psychopath writing in mine this time last year.

Wow.

But in a few weeks time when I do finally hit that magical one year mark, I am going to do what every other person who has lost in love should do (oh stop, the only thing I plan to burn this year is that horrifying journal!)

Oh no. I am going to do something even better.

Write one hell of a hit song.