Chapter Seventy Seven; Cracking the Player Code

Britney has a new song out.

And yes, I know, the woman is a nut but the people who tell her what to sing and how to sing it are geniuses because her new song, "Womanizer," freaking rocks.

Plus, the lyrics are dead on. Every girl on the planet who has ever been hypnotized by psuedo-charm is now zipping around in her sports car belting along with Brit, "Boy, don't try to front, uh ah, I know just . . . just what you are, uh huh."

Oh wait, maybe that's just me.

Womanizers.

You know the kind, the slimier sect of men on the dating front who used to just be called plain old "assholes" back in the day but are now referred to with the G-rated term: Players.

In other words, the kind of guy who is a total and complete dick to women.

Unfortunately, I appear to be a player magnet. Men see the blond hair and instantly think idiot. Thankfully, I'm a brunette at heart so many of these dudes don't get far. But over the past year of my singledom, I have fast cracked the player code and can recognize the tell tale signs of the kind of guy who enjoys lying and jerking women around to get what he wants. So let me take the good out of my agonizing experiences and broadcast my lessons learned for the greater good.

I have deciphered the devious dickhead ways of players/womanizers/assholes so listen up if you are sick of being baffled by boy bullshit.

Audra's Top 3 How to Spot a Player List

1. Smooth Operators. Players tell you want you want to hear. When it comes to compliments, they will intoxicate you on them. "You're beautiful, you're stunning." Every girl wants to hear it. Now, not every man who utters a compliment is a player. Men honestly do fall for women and they will gush about them when they do. The key to distinguishing if the guy is a fake snake or the real deal is by paying attention to his delivery. If the words roll off his tongue effortlessly, you're being played. If it sounds like he's said this a million times . . . he HAS. But don't confuse crap with sap because compliments can be great. But players know it. Just remember this: the good guy who tells you you are beautiful but LOOKS a little nervous with his confession is the one you want. He might even grin like a fallen fool. But guess what? Awkward equals awesome. It's the telltale sign of sincerity. Bumbling boys are to be believed.

But if he's far too smooth?

Yeah. Run like hell.

2. Too Soon Timing. Noting the timing of the compliments is also key if you want to sabotage a player's plan. If he has known you all of three days and is texting you "Good morning, beautiful!" get the flip out of dodge. Those types of texts are great . . . after you've started a relationship. Or gone on at least a of couple dates. A couple weeks is probably a more acceptable timeline for texts like that to ring true.


But digital declarations like that right off the bat? Yeah, he just wants in your pants.

By Saturday night.

3. Finding His Formula. And lastly, the final key to spotting a player is cracking his code. Every player has a formula that he believes is charming but if you really look close enough it is just a con job. In other words, players have lines that have worked for them before and they are going to keep using them because of their prior success rate. My favorite line as of late was by a player who enthusiastically exclaimed ten minutes after meeting me that "We are so getting married!" when it appeared he and I had much in common. I got a few more of those marital proposals over the course of the next week whenever he would uncover any other similar interests or experiences we shared. He said the words, "I am SO going to marry you!" so many times that I instantly knew that this was this guy's formula. My suspicion was confirmed a week later when a friend of mine stumbled across him at a bar he and I were both at and she promptly pulled me to the side and screeched in a hushed tone, "I know that guy! He followed me all around a bar at the lake this summer telling me he was going to marry me!!"

Oh, so busted, buddy.

So, girlfriends, listen up.

Players can only play if the ball is in their court.

So pay attention. Watch for the signs. And if you see any of the above, feel free to dance away from that dude.

And while you're at it, I suggest you sing a little Britney while you do.

Boy, don't try to front, uh ah I know just . . . just what you are . . .

Uh Huh.