Chapter Fifty; My "Alrighty Then" Moments

Every once in a while life is just plain weird.

From ironic circumstances to dumb questions that yield dumb answers to people who simply volunteer either too truthful, or too much, information. All are examples of times where no further commentary, or reply, is warranted.

It is simply all you can do, when stumbling upon such silence inducing conversations, to merely mutter:

“Alrighty then.”

Seems to me, my week has been crammed with an abundance of such situations.

So many, in fact, that I was able to create quite the sampling for today’s blog post.

So here they are:

Audra’s Top "Alrighty Then!" Invoking Moments of the Week

1. The “How’s that for timing?” Moment

Julia: “I just got the mail and found out my divorce was final last Wednesday!”

Whoo hoo!

In celebration, I break out my best Martina McBride impression and start belting, “Let freedom ring! Let the white doves . . . wait a minute, what is that horrible music in the background? Where the heck are you?”

Julie: “That’s an organ. Can you believe it? I was on my way to a wedding when I got the news in the mail.”

Alrighty then.


2. My “You’re Right. That was a Dumb Question” Mom Moment

My kids are fighting.

Again.

And the older one is torturing the younger one incessantly.

Again.

I vent to Susie, who pretty much had a Beaver Cleaver upbringing, and inquire, “You were the younger sibling in your family. Did your older brother pick on you?”

She looks at me like I am on crack and replies, “Are you kidding me? Do you want me to tell you about the time he threatened me with the iron fireplace poker while I ran screaming all over my house on the cordless phone with my best friend, Laura, as an auditory witness?”

Alrighty then.

3. The “That is not Quite the Sampling of Culture I was Expecting” Moment

My friend, Kris, is on his adventure to China but we are keeping up via email. Yesterday I asked for some raw details about Chinese culture.

He offers the following, “Well, if you really want to know, on my way to Tin Neman Square yesterday I saw a kid taking a dump in the street.”

Alrighty then.

4. The “Thank God Facebook Sends Email Alerts when someone Tags You” Moment

I must briefly refer you to Chapter Forty Seven of Divorce Land, the one about Couch Surfing Canadians who happen to be lesbians. Not that their sexual orientation matters to me.

It doesn’t.

Not one iota.

I am tolerant and accepting.

Except when I receive a notification from Facebook that one of them has “tagged” me in a “note” where I am referred to as “Hot Cougar Audra.”

What the?!?!

Can you say, “Remove Tag?”

And . . .

“Delete”?

Alrighty then.

Good GAWD.

(And come on! How am I a cougar? I am 36 not 56, and I am not even dating anyone right now. Apparently the cougar criteria is simply being over 35 and in the vicinity of guys (or in this case, girls?!?!?) in their 20’s. Give me a break.)

I did verbally relay the Facebook saga and my “feline branding” to my daughter later. Kind of a “This is why you don’t accept friend requests on Facebook from people you’ve met all of one time!!!!!” teachable moment lecture.

She listened intently. Then just stared at me.

Raised an eyebrow.

And muttered . . . what else?

“Alrighty then.”