Chapter Forty Nine; We'll Always have Outlook, Email Guy

Well. It’s official.

We’re broken up.

Oh wait a second, I wasn’t even dating this guy. Oh, wait two seconds. I have never even met this guy.

Regardless of these very basic relationship requirements, the proclamation, “Audra and I are officially over,” was just announced to one of my friends yesterday.

What the?

Welcome to Email Guy, a man who apparently possesses the ability to bend the time space continuum.

I hate to even write about this because he is going to read this blogmentation which will only serve to feed his ego. Which judging by our email correspondence does not need more inflation. But unfortunately . . . this is blog fodder of the highest caliber.

And I can not let my Divorce Land readers down.

Here’s the scoop:

So EG reads my blog and sends me a flattering email letting me know who he is (we share a mutual friend so at the very least it is not likely he is of the axe murderer variety) and that he is really enjoying my writing. This part was fine. This part was great. I love my fans!

He then switches gears and alludes to a date when he suggests meeting me sometime for a glass of wine. I reply, gracefully decline the invitation and instead concentrate on the fact that he appears to be my most enthusiastic blog fan yet. Yay, me! (No, Mom, you don’t count. You have to cheerlead any and all of my writing endeavors, it comes with your job description. Hell, if I ask you what you think of the grocery list I just jotted down you are obligated to suggest it could be nominated for a Pulitzer.)

Back to EG:

I respond again simply thanking him for checking out Divorce Land and taking the time to email me such affirming feedback.

And he replies. Very interestingly . . .

And thus begins, my (apparently torrid) twenty four hour phantom affair with . . . my inbox.

I will spare you the pain of a full copy and paste and simply recreate the super condensed version of our correspondence here for your reading torture.

It went a little something like this . . .and a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four:

EG: “Hi Audra, Love the blog! You and I have a mutual friend. I am divorced too, want to go out sometime?”

Me: “Hey, thanks for reading and for your kind words. I appreciate the invitation but I am not interested in dating right now. But maybe our paths will cross sometime around this one horse town? Perhaps the next time I am out with (insert name of the mutual friend we share). But, absolutely, thanks again for reading and for the kind words. Please check back often and send the link to all your friends. Have a great day!”

Most people (I assume?), at this point, would get the hint and leave with their dignity intact. And really, I didn’t say never, I just clearly said, “Not now.” I thought that was pretty level-headed of me?

Apparently not because I received a response that I will now super condense into the following synopsis:

EG: “No seriously, let’s go out. I’m funny and smart and witty. See? See? See my smart and funny wit?”

Me: “Thanks again for reading my blog! And have a SUPER day!”

Translation: Get a clue buddy.

Email Guy: “I said, “WANT TO GO OUT SOMETIME!?!?!”

Me: “And I believe I replied, “THANKS FOR READING MY BLOG! HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY!”

Alright, by this point, forget about “maybe someday.” Did I or did I not clearly just say, “Cold day in hell.”?

Yes, I realize, I should have just quit replying. Email is great that way. You just become a black hole and viola! End of story. But EG and I have this shared acquaintance; therefore I am captive in an email hostage situation.

EG, of course, responds . . . again, only this time with a thinly veiled insult insinuating I am obviously still in some post-divorce induced coma and that I should call him when I come to the conclusion that he is the most wonderful man on the planet.

I grit my teeth and type back, again, “THANKS. FOR. READING. MY. BLOG.” I say nothing about the kind of day I hope he has this time.

Do I really need to translate at this point?

Silence finally ensues, but I am subjected to one final email where he blames the fact that he was using a Blackberry when he constructed his last few emails and that it is the technology’s fault his sarcasm didn’t translate well.

Well if that’s the case, then I can not possibly be held responsible for the construction of this blog post documenting the rise and fall of our relationship.

My Dell laptop made me do it.