Chapter Eighty Five; You Dated Who? When? What? (Or What I Like to call Bad Flashback to High School)

I am speechless.

Believe it.

And.

Becoming a lesbian.

Okay. Don’t believe that.

But what you really won't believe is this zero degrees of seperation story.

Once upon a time, roughly five weeks ago, back in the GOOD old DAYS, when my life was mundane. And nun like. The highlight was the occasional flirty text from my good old buddy, the ER Greek god (ERGG). (Refer to Chapter 37 for the whole story there).

Fine. He’s flirty. Fine. Harmless.

Well, I have no idea how, but I nonchalantly mention ERGG to a new girlfriend of mine. Probably clearly as an illustration that my life is so dull on the dating front that the only blip on the radar is the occasional “Hey, pretty lady” text from him.

And she does this when I mention his name:

GASP!

Then her mouth hangs open.

Then she says, “What? He texts you that stuff?” I hesitantly confirm yepperooni, he does. Her eyes narrow as she processes and then bursts, “But he’s dating MY FRIEND!”

And then I do this:

GASP!

And then my mouth hangs open.

Because boys with girlfriends should not send flirty texts to other girls. This is called “How not to be a Dick” 101 if any guy out there missed registering for that life lesson.

That night I fight the urge to execute plans that include words like frame or blackmail (this ain't the movies) and decide to just confront ERGG with the ah HA! truth.

I text him:

"Hey."

He promptly shoots back:

"Hey, what's up, babe?"

“Not much. How's the girlfriend?"

Silence. For, oh, five minutes. And then . . .

"Uh, girlfriend?"

"Yeah. Girlfriend."

“Whoops.”

Uh…yeah.

Whoops is right.

I rip him a new one and he apologizes. I say fine. He wants to stay friends. I say fine again. Flirt away if you’re single but good gawd, if you start dating someone?

Icksnay on the irtflay.

And he promises to obey these ground rules.

Sigh.

Men.

(And hell yeah I’m keeping him around as a harmless texting palarama. Did you miss the part about him being a Greek god? Hello? Oh, and okay, I do enjoy his friendship. I confess. Plus, the guy has muscles and a pick up. He’s at the top of my “move a heavy piece of furniture for Audra” list. This is necessary in the life of a single woman.)

Strangely enough, he and the girlfriend actually break up shortly after so that was that.

So.

Onto my “This town ain’t big enough fer the both of us” tale . . .

La la la la la. So here I am, innocently and foolishly drifting through life. Fall into a hole with "So NOT the List Man" (SNLM) and whatever. Not revisiting that part. (Refer to Chapter 79 for that scooparama.)

But.

BUT.

Get this.

Back track just momentarily to the girl who SNLM claims he was “just dancing with” in chapter 80? Remember?

Yeah.

I find out dancing girl is . . . the same girl who was dating ERGG when he was sending flirty texts to me!

I shit.

You not.

So. Are you following this?

Here’s the recap if I lost ya:

Five weeks ago dancing girl was dating ERGG and he was flirting with me. Two weeks later I am seeing SNLM and he is flirting with dancing girl.

Get it? Got it?

Good. Grief.

All the sudden I feel like I am in some kinky love trapezoid.

Ew.

Now let’s all link arms and start singing: “It’s a small world after all . . .”

I am half tempted to suggest we all turn gay. SNLM and ERGG can get together and this girl and I can hook up and the circle will be complete.

Either that or I propose a foursome.

Okay, not going there either.

(She's not my type.)

So that's the "Am I in high school again?" story that has left me dumbfounded and for once in my life?

Practically speechless.

(I say practically because notice I am typing it all out here.)

I guess in this complex and confusing single world, as we all just try to navigate a perplexing labyrinth of false starts and promising new discoveries, we are bound to trip over one another from time to time.

And in the end?

Well, there's really nothing left to say but . . .

Whoops.

***************************************
I wrote this up a couple weeks ago but it was too fresh at the time to publish. Because of course, yes, I can spit out a silly essay on the too close for comfort twist but the reality behind the irony is that this was not a party for everyone involved. Kinda sucked. The follow up to this is that in the end? ERGG has been a good friend to me and a good listener throughout the drama. Now then, that's lucky for me because I do have a piano that may need moving someday. . .