Chapter Eighty Three; Out of Context Conversation Snippets

I seriously would never be able to pull a Tom Hanks in Castaway. I would never survive.

The desert island thing? I could do. Hello? Bikini? Beach? I am so there.

But the all by my lonesome with no one to blab with thing?

Nada.

Let’s just say Wilson the soccer ball would never cut it for me.

I need my girlfriends.

Without them, my proverbial life rafts, I know for a fact I would soon be submerged by life’s responsibilities, dragged beneath the waves of unexpected adversity, and swept away on a current of confusion.

They keep me from drowning. They keep me afloat.

And.

They keep me laughing.

Here’s a few snippets from some of my conversations with these women this week. And I am not going to reveal who said what when or in what context. I am just sharing sound bite glimpses into the chicks who infuse my life with absolute insanity, which ironically?

Keeps me sane.

1. The “Genital Warts What If” Conversation

“Holy crap, yeah. I would never want to mess with that. Let me tell ya. At this age, if I stumbled upon that shit, I don’t care how naked and hot it was, you could bet it would go a little something like this:

Whoa.

Hold it.

Time out. Time OUT.

Get off me!

What the hell is that?

Flood light.

Magnifying Glass.

Tourniquet.

Scalpel.

Acid.

Okay, buddy, now count backward from one hundred.”

2. The “Where is my Period? Has Anyone seen my Period?” Conversation

“You can not be pregnant. Do your boobs hurt?”

“I don’t think so . . .”

“Well find out! Hit them.”

“Hit them?”

“You heard me. Give ‘em a good punch.”

“Ow!”

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Do they hurt?”

“They do now!!!”

3. The “Deciphering Orientation” Conversation

“So his friend, who is English or Scottish, or some kind of “ish”, says to me, “My friend fancies you. He is wondering if you would be free to accompany him to the cinema.”

“Alright, that’s . . . kind of hot actually. That whole accent deal.”

“Yeah, but gay.”

“It’s not gay. The guy is British.”

“Like I said. Gay.”

“So what did you say?”

“I said I would consider it. He seemed normal. Professional. Possibly intelligent.”

“Well, that was two days ago. What has happened since?”

“Oh, yeah, well, I went to the strip bar a couple days later and saw him there in the front row.”

“Nice. So much for professional and intelligent.”

“What are you talking about? I am so thrilled he isn’t gay!”


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And so, dear readers, if you chuckled, guffawed, or snickered at all . . . welcome to a day in the life of Audra.

And a little glimpse into the women and words . . .

. . . that keep me floating, and laughing, on this turbulent sea of life.

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P.S. No one in my circle has an STD . . . I am not pregnant (whoops,I mean "no one in my circle of friends" is pregnant) . . . and don't ask me why Naomi went to the strip club! (Oh, did I just type her name out loud?!?!?!)